My cousin Keri and I often have a conversation about the crappy dinner party. It was an article we had read a few years back, posted on The Kitchn blog. It urged people to just have your friends over, the more last-minute the better. No worrying about the house being clean, no worries about not having anything prepped to eat. In an age where we plan things out way far ahead and clean maniacally before letting people cross our home’s threshold, Keri and I have realized that what happens is we get together less and less. All of us.

I am a mom to four little boys and my home feels chaotic. At. All. Times. But I love having people over. Entertaining and spending time with friends and family 100% fills my cup. Yet I rarely do it. We have had a book club for over two years and I only finally hosted last month! Whenever I do have get-togethers — like birthday parties, play dates, family get togethers — I spend hours cleaning and organizing. I think about it for days leading up, knowing I can’t get it all done the day of and need to start ahead of time. It’s ridiculous, really. And I am creating a lot of stress for myself.

I decided to talk with Keri for episode four of the Little Tot Landing podcast, to share some thoughts on this loss of community and social time and what is actually important — time spent with the people we love. Even if the dishes are piled precariously high next to the sink.

As we spoke, something that Keri said in particular struck me — “I think the drop-ins, that used to be a thing. You used to go for a drive and be like, ‘Hey, let’s stop in at so and so’s house,’ and now it’s like people are almost bothered by that, you know, just like they’re bothered by a phone call instead of a text,” she says.

Whew. That’s too true. We need people — it’s at our core as humans. And yet we’ve built lives and lifestyles that keep people away.

Drop-in visits were my favorite as a child — whether someone stopped in at my parents’ and then suddenly a bit of a party was upon us! — or if we were to stop in at someone’s and we were welcomed with smiles, open arms and plates filled with crackers and cheese.

And I still love drop-ins. The idea of them. But just like Keri said, I worry. Would I be getting in someone’s way? I mean, we can text and call so easily nowadays — there’s no reason why I couldn’t alert someone ahead of time that I would be in the area. And if someone were to drop by my place? I can only imagine what it would look like. What would they think?

But I can also imagine all of the missed opportunities to have conversation and share food, have a drink and catch up, spend time together and make memories.

“I think for me, it goes back to our grandparents’ house growing up,” says Keri. “Which I always describe it as a revolving door and there were always just so many people there. And it’s definitely one of my favorite childhood places but it had nothing to do with the aesthetic of it. It was just a place to gather. And when I reflect on it now, I realize how spontaneous a lot of that gathering was,” Keri says.

So how can we get ourselves back to spontaneous gathering? And what are the things getting in our way?

Keri and I zeroed in quickly — as anyone would — on social media’s ubiquitous influence. The mighty presence it takes on in our minds when we look around our spaces. I love when people on Instagram show you what their homes really look like. It’s a breath of fresh air — “That’s what my home looks like too!” But the problem is that 99% of the time we see what their homes don’t really look like. And while we all know this, we are all aware of the wizard behind the curtain, we still hold it as truth. And let’s be honest — pretty homes with everything tucked neatly away look damn good.

But I can’t live like that right now. In all honesty, we have too many things for our space (a talk on my much-desired minimalist lifestyle will be for another post) and too much going on to stay on top of children constantly moving items around every empty surface. And honestly, dishes take time to clean, and I love to cook home-cooked meals. We have a lot of little people running through the dirt and spilling food on their clothes, so lots of laundry. I love doing art with my kids, so yes glitter, markers, play dough. We are living in our home. Which, let’s remember, is the whole point.

Beyond the clearly visible mess in our home, I also struggle with the design choices of our home. They are not mine. A blue floor, next to a dark wood floor, next to a shiny vinyl light wood floor, next to a pink floor next to … you can maybe get the idea.

“[Our grandparents had] that linoleum right? That fire red. It was in their foyer when you walked in. And by today’s standard, you would replace that with the minutes of having the house,” Keri says in our conversation. It’s true. Like we have to get rid of everything that isn’t us or that doesn’t work, and even spend money and time we don’t have to do it. “Before, what would they care? It’s where everybody’s shoes sat. You actually never really see [the foyer floor],” Keri adds. “I think it speaks to just a belief system back then that you replaced the couch when it needed to be replaced,” she says.

I remind myself of this often. I mean, I can’t change anything about my home at the moment anyway, but I have a home. I have a kitchen to cook in. I have clean water. I have heating and air conditioning. And by the way, my boys love our blue floor.

So when we put aside what everything looks like, what else is standing in our way? When we can get past the worry of what it means about us, what it says about us — I mean, our people know us. And people who don’t know us, well, they can’t get to knowing us if we don’t give them time to. Nothing like having each other over to tear down the barriers and let each other off the hook because I’m sure we’d be surprised by how often others’ homes look like ours. And how joy-filled will those visits be when we can talk to someone about our day instead of shutting everyone out.

“I think it’s just a bigger topic to the idea which we started with, which is just, you know, these messy dinners, but it all kind of intertwines into a greater issue in our society. And I mean, part of that is that vulnerable, authentic self showing up. And, you know, I think there’s vulnerability in letting people through your door or showing up and you know people are more inclined to protect that, right? So we all stay in our houses and we have some connection through media, like social media, texting, whatever. But, you know, actually letting someone in. There’s something about having a conversation with somebody’s face, compared to through a text,” Keri says.

Let’s be real. When the U.S. Surgeon General comes out stating that we have a loneliness epidemic, it might be worth opening our eyes to it. It might be worth changing things for ourselves and for our families. I loved in our conversation when Keri brought up a video she had watched a while back.

“I’ve told you about this before, but there’s a random video I saw and the gentleman, he said, you know, I’m married, I have the most wonderful wife, I have four beautiful children. I live on two acres of property. I’m living the dream. And he said, it’s not enough. I need more community. I need more connection. And I think that’s the other thing, is this false story that we only need the person we’re with or our children or whatever, when there’s all kinds of different needs for connection. And I think kids need to see that too. And to know that they have a bunch of people behind them. They have not just their parents, which is like a lot for parents to carry. But I think, at least I felt growing up, that I had all these people who cared about us and it wasn’t just our parents. So for them to know that there are other adults who care about them, but also are like, this is how you connect with people, this is how you share your life with people,” Keri says.

Yes. Showing my kids that I too have friendships. Showing them my connection with others. It’s an opportunity to exemplify for our kids something fundamental to our happiness and joy. With this need to be social clearly something we all benefit from, we need to let go of the things that are holding us back from getting together.

If we’re ready to let go of the house being clean or not decorated to our standards, and we’re settled within ourselves to know that our friends are not going to judge us for our paper stacks, you might say, but what if I don’t have any great food on hand to feed everyone with? You always have something in your freezer or pantry. Even when you think you don’t. Puff pastry stuffed at the back of the freezer? Frozen mini pizzas? Jars of olives and roasted red peppers tucked behind the cans of tomato sauce? Boxes of crackers? (C’mon, There’s always crackers.) And you always have something to offer visitors to drink. Sparkling water? Plain water? With a slice of lime? An errant beer back there? Or a rule I like to try to stay on top of — always keeping a bottle of sparkling wine in the fridge. And there are two scenarios at play here — the last-minute drop in and the crappy dinner party. For either what we’re looking for is minimal effort. The goal is to have an easy, fun time together. I say, think charcuterie board with whatever is available. Or, Annie’s mac and cheese? Which group of adults isn’t always looking for an excuse to have a bowl of that? Have everyone chip in — people love to bring a dish over. Open a bag of chips and put a bowl of nuts out. Keep it easy, easy, easy.

“Or at the end of the day, order a pizza. Just order a pizza,” says Keri.

I think too what these last minute gatherings allow us to do is to live more in the moment. If you feel like doing something, then you can reach out to see who else might feel like doing something. What are you doing tonight? “You know, for me, the more I look ahead, I appreciate having a more empty calendar and then seeing how I feel that day. Do I feel like doing something or do I not?” Keri says.

And when your last minute plans are upon you and you think, Oh, I kind of have this thing to get done, just remember Keri’s wise words: “Let’s be honest, whatever you didn’t get to, it’s probably going to be there anyways.”

The Kitchn posted five rules for a crappy dinner party, which you can read all about here. And we have one rule ourselves. Or a gentle suggestion? Try this out at least once a month. You need to just bring it to the table. Plate it up and dive in. Host it and make it happen. And before you know it, all the things you were worrying about will be things that roll of your back a little easier. I know you’ll be thankful for the time spent with your people. Because that doesn’t need to be vacuumed. It doesn’t need a new design aesthetic. It just needs space and time allowing it to happen. Leave the trash. (OK, unless it really smells.) And call your friends.